(via lame-waves)

In a daze . My own mental haze…

I haven’t been sleeping much. Not since you said you’ve moved on. I have no stability in my life anymore. And I blame myself. You see my dear I was scared, scared that this would all crumble like my relationship with well, you know who… I didn’t know what to do. So I distanced myself from you. Knowing exactly what it would do. But now that I’m on the outside I see. All I really wanted was for us to become a we. Now I lay here in bed crying. Knowing if I said I was okay I’d be lying. Because you see honey you were all I wanted. I was falling so fast I didn’t think it would last. so I know I did this to myself. Pushing you away I thought it would help. I thought you would stay I didn’t want you to go away. Now everywhere I look I wanna curl up and cry. Why? Because everything I see reminds me of when you and I were a we. The songs I hear remind me of you. The sports I watch the pillow I sleep with all reminds me of you! What Can I do?! I try to reach out to you so you can help me now. I need someone who knows just how I feel. And you do because we talked about it for hours. I even told you about how I cry and cry for hours because he chose them over me and he doesn’t see. But now I do. I’ve turned into him pushing away the ones I care about. The ones I need. I guess it’s true what they say, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” I hate him for that! He didn’t see ME KICKING AND SCREAMING SO LOUD BEGGING HIM NOT TO LEAVE. But he chose them. And he’ll never see what he’s done to me. His angel, his beautiful baby girl. But I’m grown now and my head is in a whirl because I never knew that it was true, you could be betrayed by someone you love. All I wanted was for you to call, all I needed was a hug. And some happy words to get me thru my day. But I’ll never hear you say it’s okay, things will get better I promise. And I’m only being honest. I know you’ll never come back into my life. I mean I never expected to be your wife. But things ended so sudden you wouldn’t even listen. To what was happening. Man I wish I would have listened. To my gut saying drive to him tell him you miss him. Maybe I wouldn’t be lying here alone wishing. But you wouldn’t hear me out. And now I’m laying here bawling. Hugging this pillow wishing it was you. Comforting me but I guess I always knew, that I would add you to the list of the men who I once knew. I just wish I could see what I’m supposed to do. Instead of laying here wondering what if and who knew? But you see I’m good at hiding the way I feel inside. Some might say I’m a master of disguise. Even tho I feel oh so hallow inside. You’d never know my dear by the twinkle in my eye. You’d see a beautiful girl happy as can be. But she’s crying inside. Nervous what lies ahead in this crazy thing called life. Wondering will I ever find a man who will call me his wife? A man who will love me with all my broken pieces? A man who says he’ll fix it With the love I’ll be recieving. Well for I’m left with what’s next, it’s time to let my feelings go. And that will be a test. To See Just How Strong I Am, To Be He Woman I Want To be. I need to let her break out of her shell and let her roam free. I think that’s enough ranting for now. I say goodnight to thee. For I am here if ever needed to lend a helping hand, I hope you never forget I’m always here, with love. -A.♡

(via extra-salty)